The Bigger Picture

“When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing
And the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe
When all I need’s a hand to stop the tears from falling
I will find him, I’ll find him next to me”

Next To Me ~ Emeli Sandé

The amplified sound of my heartbeat filled my ears as I walked from the testing center to the library; I flashed a fake smile at a classmate as they passed in an effort to hide my disappointment. I had just made an abysmally low score on my midterm, just like that my overall A average in the class dropped to a B.  Needless to say the perfectionist in me was crushed and inconsolable… until later that night when the healing power of music reminded me that there was a bigger picture.

The night before as I reviewed the Civil War, WWI and everything in between, I received a phone call from my girlfriend Alex.

“Hey what’s up?”

“Hey what’s wrong Dawn, you don’t sound like yourself…”

“Yeah, I’m kinda stressed, studying for a midterm.”

“Oh Dawn, I know it’s hard but you will do well, you’re so smart.  I wanted to remind you that tomorrow night is the Emeli Sandé concert, I already have the tickets so don’t worry about anything and I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

We hung up shortly after that and I was excited about the concert even though I hadn’t remembered the date.  I nervously continued trying to stuff American History into my brain.  Each minute that passed made me feel more and more distracted, what I was reading meant nothing and what I was supposed to know already was turning into a big, white blank.

The next morning I continued studying on the bus and in the school library until it was time to check into the testing center.  I was signed into the computer and started taking the test, but the questions… The multiple choice answers were almost word for word from the practice quizzes but many of the questions were odd, better suited to true and false answers.  With only 38 minutes to complete 50 questions there just wasn’t enough time to figure out what was going on so after wasting the first few minutes I dived in and just did what I could.  The test was graded within a few seconds of submitting it… I blinked as I saw the score, 72… I had dropped a full grade down to a B and I had no one to blame but myself.

I got up from the computer station feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.  In between my own loud heartbeats I heard the sound of computer keys clicking away and smelled the slightly dusty smell of books and papers in the library, I wished I had never thought of going back to school, my sensitive nature might not allow me to survive it.  I asked myself why the ridiculous over-reaction?  The answer was clear; this test was just the latest in a line of failures, including not having found a job in quite a long time and before that being fired from the most horrible job in the history of jobs.  I reminded myself I was not a winner, except in school; so if school was not coming easy to me then things had certainly taken another crappy turn.  I got on the bus to UCF where Alex would pick me up for the concert.  During the long ride I called my friend Tomeisha and cried on her shoulder for a few minutes.  I meant to take out my laptop and use the ridiculously long ride to do some writing for this blog but my mind was a blank.  I arrived at the campus and a little while later I was in the car with Alex and after navigating some crazy traffic we arrived at the venue and miraculously got a good parking spot.  During the drive we had talked about a recent car accident Alex had been in, she showed me a huge burn on her hand and we discussed neck damage she had sustained, none of which were stopping her from her daily workouts, complete with running and weights.  This had a profound effect on me, you never want your friend to experience anything like that but it also made me realize that my test score was not even a real problem.  I began considering letting it go…

After waiting for quite some time in the bustling crowd at House Of Blues (where the air conditioning was set to ice age/total destruction), Emeli Sandé made her way onto the stage looking adorable in a fitted denim jacket, floaty mini skirt over leggings and sneakers.  She sang her uplifting repertoire with strength and conviction.  Each song sank into my pores like medicine as I started to remember why I had enrolled in school this summer.  Initially it hadn’t been about grades, it was meant to relieve the terrible isolation I had been experiencing as a result of having left the majority of my friends in New York and Miami when I moved to Orlando in 2010 and after being fired from my job a year later in 2011.  The inside of my apartment was turning into a prison, my own constant company was a form of torture, my family interactions were deteriorating and in the midst of all that my creativity was dying, I couldn’t sew, draw or write because I had dedicated what little energy I had to total and complete self-loathing.   Finally, in August of 2012 I found a counseling program in my neighborhood and started working with a wonderful therapist.

These thoughts washed over me as she sang these words from her song “Heaven”:

“Baby we’re a little different, there’s no need to be ashamed.

You’ve got the light to fight the shadows so stop hiding it away…

I wanna sing, I wanna shout, I wanna scream till the words dry out,

They can put in the papers, I’m not afraid, they can read all about it…”

We were singing and swaying along with the crowd which at that moment seemed so full of fellow gentle souls and it felt like that song was written for me, about all I had pent up inside that needed to be expressed.

Next came her song “My Kind Of Love” and the verse that struck me says:

“… Cause when you’ve given up…

When no matter what you do it’s never good enough…

When you never thought that it could ever get this tough,

That’s when you feel my kind of love.”

Emeli was playing the drums as the music rose to a crescendo and I was having an epiphany.  Being in school had quickly changed my whole existence; I was around people, smiling and laughing, practicing public speaking in front of a supportive teacher and classmates, once again concerned with my appearance, even the daily routine of waking up early every day and walking to the bus stop was a refreshing change.  If I lost sight of that I would endlessly find myself caught in the familiar weeds of self-hate, where every exposed root could cause me to trip and fall from the path of accepting all things with grace and humor.  Thank you Lord for using any situation to teach us.

Being in that moment was right where I needed to be, I felt like I had woken from a hot, miserable nap, not only by the profound and soul-touching lyrics, but by how everything had taken place that day, failure turning into deeper understanding, I also felt humbled and happy to be there in such good company with Alex, a generuos and true friend.

One week later my history professor sent an email to the class in which he explained that the questions for the mid-term had been entered incorrectly into the system and that he was therefore going to add 15 points to everyone’s score.  Just like that my overall average went back up to an A… and I enjoyed a very good laugh, cause at the end of the day… you just can’t make this stuff up!